Sorry I have not posted in awhile-  I have been busy, this time if year can you imagine?  First off kudos to my cousin Jason in CA.  He got his Masters degree in Business from Peperdine a few weeks ago.  He did this in two years, being married with a young son.  That is my cousin!  You are so MATURE!  (Little family joke)  No Seriously, Jason, well done!  You have made the whole family proud!

Christmas is very much alive at our house.  Hannah is so into it this year.  It is fun to drive with her at night because she sees the lights and just say “oooooooo”  It is so cute.  She even commented about a Santa.  He is not the real Santa, mom.”  ” oh really?”  “He may help Santa but he is not Santa!”   Glad to know she knows who the real Santa is.  Thankfully both kids have been pretty easy to please this year.  All Walker wants is a skateboard.  How fun is that!  Can’t wait to see his face.

We  continue to struggle with Hannah’s  eating.  After a huge mess with scheduling a test, we finally had it on Monday.  I reluctantly agreed to the test, just so I could say we did the test and it did not work.  And as I said we did not get the results we needed.  They wanted Hannah to eat barium coated food and see where the food is getting stuck in her esophagus.  Well so many things had to be perfect.  We needed her to eat barium coated food and then for it to get stuck while they are taking the x-ray.  Needless to say Hannah can only eat so much barium coated food.  Do you know what it is like to stand there with your child who is in total misery, praying that food gets stuck so they can get what they need?  I do and it is not fun.  Sometimes I don’t know who gets more upset, me or Hannah.  My friend Tracy was with us and that helped.  She helped me be calm and keep a peace in the room.  We have not had the best luck with radiology this year so that was a blessing.

We get home and that day Hannah is throwing up because food is stuck.  I just want this to all stop.  I was so frustrated and was crying in bed.  Both Todd and I are fried.  We do not know what to do.  How much do we put her through?  If we go out of state they may want to repeat these tests and do the one that Children’s can’t do.  Are we ready for that?  Will we get the results we need?  Will we get the answer we want?  Our GI doc is preparing us that we most likely will not get an answer.  Do you know how frustrating this is!  So I said Lord I need some encouragement.  Where in the Bible is there a parent who has a sick child.  Jairus came to mind-

Here is a man who has a 12 year old daughter who is sick.  He asks Jesus to come and touch his daughter so she can be healed.  They leave to go to his house and in the middle of this account we have the woman who has bled for 12 years touch Jesus’ robe.  He stops and asks who touched me.  She is healed from he bleeding and then the little girl is healed.  Ok short run down of the story, go look it up in Mark 5:21-43, Matthew 9:18-26, or Luke 8:40 -56.

Couple things here-  I can relate to Jairus.  I do not think he came up to Jesus and said my child is sick please heal her.  I think there was some serious pleading here.  I bet the Jairus had tried all he could and traveled to Jesus because this was the only thing he knew left to do.  I know right now I have been pleading with anyone who will listen to me.  I have a feeling Jairus pushed his way through the crowd and totally interupted what Jesus was doing or talking and began pleading through his tears. 

Now why is there the story of the lady in the middle of this-  I wonder.  Then in hit me -she bled for 12 years, Jairus daughter is 12 years old.  Why did Jesus stop and acknowledge her?  She did not need that, she believed that all she had to do was touch His robe.  I think this is all for Jairus’ sake.  Here right before his eyes he sees a woman who has bled for 12 years, who has probably done all that she could do, seen all she could see, be healed just by touching Jesus’ robe.  The woman believed but the Lord acknowledged her faith.

When they get to Jairus house he is told his daughter is dead.  Jesus tells Jairus “don’t be afraid, just believe.”    Then Jesus tells the girl to wake up.  Get her some food she is hungry.  Just believe.  Just believe.  Seems so simple doesn’t it.  We can say, of course he should just believe  Jesus will heal her.  I ask you what should I believe?  Is Jesus going to heal Hannah the way I want? Should I believe that we will get an answer to this whole problem?  Or do I just believe that Jesus will handle it?  Sometimes the simple stuff can be so complicated.  Just believe. 

I believe that God will handle this.  I am very tired right now and God knows that.  He knows that both Todd and I are driven close to tears when we eat lunch or dinner with Hannah and she is in pain from eating.  He knows that we are stressed out and want the best for Hannah.  I just want to know what to believe.  It is enough that I believe he will handle it?  I will be honest, I want more.  I want to know how He will handle this.  But even Jairus didn’t get to know how.  Just believe.  I feel that sometimes I can hear Him whispering in my ear “just believe”.  Then I scream back, in what? 

So this is my struggle right now.  God has provided abundantly and yet like the Isrearlites I can be quick to complain.  Sometimes it is very difficult for me to nestle into the shadow of His wings.  Since I am making phone calls and talking to doctors and scheduling appointments, cleaning up puke, I forget that ultimately He is in control.  Maybe that is what I am to believe.  That He is in control.  That I can do.  The rest will all fall into place when it should.